Small but mighty? How the less-well-endowed are handling the hate

In an era dominated by size shaming, Ryan Cahill investigates the struggle to love your body – and the rise of the small penis humiliation kink.

Words by Ryan Cahill

Is my dick big enough? It’s a question that pollutes the minds of pubescent boys for hours on end, and in some cases, even adult men. Throughout much of our lives, we wonder if we’re thick enough, long enough, adequate enough. In day to day life, reference to penis length – or lack thereof – is often utilised as an insult or for comedic relief. When it comes to taking dick pics, there’s an unspoken code about lighting and angles that accentuate a man’s girth and length. The quest for the perfect penis really is all-encompassing... 

When it came to writing this piece, mass call-outs for people open to discussing their experiences of size-shaming fell short, and nearly every participant opted to remain anonymous – which is unsurprising really! Not many are keen to expose themselves as being average or less than – and is it any wonder? Even in today’s contemporary media, headlines are rife with size-specific jibes. Only this week, Justin Timberlake fell victim to size-shaming after an awkward “wardrobe malfunction” on his Forget Tomorrow World Tour led to images where he looked less endowed, leading to social media comments and headlines that referred to his “small weiner” or “extra tiny bulge”. 

TV and film only further add to the unrealistic expectations around penis size. In recent years, actors starring in shows like The White Lotus, Sex/Life and Pam and Tommy have all opted for way-above-average prosthetic penises in nude scenes. Are these actors taking the opportunity to add a few extra inches? If so, how does all this impact the Everyman: the gay guys on Grindr whose private albums are open galleries and the party-goers stumbling home for a one night stand? I can recall more than a few occasions where friends have expressed their disappointment at taking a guy home and discovering that he’s on the smaller side. But how does it impact those on the receiving end? 

"People talk about confident gay men as having Big Cock Energy, and whilst men with larger penises might feel more confident, their size is irrelevant to being a good lover or a decent human being."

RD, who is 5.5 inches when erect, has had many experiences of size shaming throughout his life. He first realised that his dick was smaller than others when he was 12 years old, and noticed his friend’s erect penis while at a sleepover. “It made me feel shit!” He exclaims. “[Over the years] I’ve had comments [about my penis] like, ‘cute', 'needs nourishment’, 'Does it grow more?’ And ‘thick but small’. These comments often leave feelings of inadequacy, disappointment and humiliation. It’s more troubling when I’m told, ‘It’s small and doesn’t do much’ or ‘My ex had a bigger one which I preferred’. It’s quite frustrating.” 

Dominic Davies is the CEO of Pink Therapy and a Fellow of the National Council of Integrative Psychotherapists. With a specialism in sex therapy, he recognises the impact that penis shaming can have on an individual’s self-esteem, and some understanding about where this might come from. “Some men view penis size as a sort of unearned trophy. Gay men who compete for a high status partner may well judge people who they see as inferior as undesirable. Whether this is about a gym toned body, age, size, race or even penis size.” He explains. “People talk about confident gay men as having Big Cock Energy, and whilst men with larger penises might [feel] more confident, their size is irrelevant to being a good lover or a decent human being. Indeed, a smaller penis is more likely to stimulate their partner's prostate and less likely to cause their partner to gag and bring up their last meal!”

As for people who are frequently experiencing shaming as a result of their penis and recognise the impact that it is having on their self esteem or confidence, he offers the following: “I would recommend making a point of not requesting or sharing dick pics. Size has little relevance to one's capacity to enjoy sex or be a good lover. If someone is only interested in your dick, maybe they're not worth your time and energy. If they need a large penis, then there are plenty of toys which can fill the hole!”

There’s no denying that porn has also played a part in the way in which we perceive penis size. In a survey by the BBFC, more than half of boys aged between 11 and 13 who were interviewed said they’d already viewed some form of pornography. In some instances, children as young as seven had already come into contact with porn. When boys at such a young age are already experiencing such unrealistic portrayals of sex, it’s likely that their perception of bodies and cock size is going to be shaped by what they consume online. While OnlyFans has somewhat offered the opportunity to experience more realistic body types and portrayal of sexual intercourse, it still seems as though the more well-endowed gay content creators are the ones with the biggest following. 

"Nowadays, I like being shamed about my small penis. Being humiliated because of my useless little penis is part of the game, which I really like."

Despite penis shaming being prevalent within the community, many men are reclaiming their size and using it to their advantage. Small penis humiliation, or SPH as it’s more often referred to in kink spaces, is one way in which less endowed men are taking ownership of their size.

“Nowadays, I like being shamed about my small penis. Being humiliated because of my useless little penis is part of the game, which I really like. I learned how to use the fact my penis is small to enjoy sex in a different way” says VSP, a bisexual 50-year-old. He peaks at 4.25 inches when erect. Alongside reclaiming his size through SPH, he admits that having a smaller penis does have its upsides. “If you get a hard-on in an awkward place, like in the office at work, nobody sees it! Once you've accepted it, you can have a lot of fun too! And you have to accept it, there's no other choice. Not accepting it won't make it grow any bigger…”

Davies of Pink Therapy recognises that SPH is definitely a coping mechanism for many gay and bisexual men. He says that small penis humiliation is “a kink often adopted by men who usually have fairly good self-esteem as they have found a way to overcome and eroticise their shame or insecurity about their size.” 

Overall, the sad situation is that for some, size does matter, but more importantly it’s about how we approach it that counts. 41-year-old Tom from the East Midlands, whose penis is approximately 3 inches, does offer some sense of hope when it comes to the responses that he’s had from people after sharing dick pics or revealing his penis. “I've had people tell me [my penis] cute and not to worry about size. If I just show people they normally are nice about it and tell me not to worry. I’m OK with my penis now. I’ve come to love it. I find myself getting enjoyment out of pleasuring others and have found a few kinks from it along the way!”