A Polyamorous Perspective: “Be straight with me, am I too ugly to be polyamorous?”
In this edition of GAY TIMES’ polyamory advice column, Leanne Yau advises a would-be polyamorist who’s facing insecurities about their appearance.
Words by Leanne Yau
Welcome to A Polyamorous Perspective, an advice column where I, Leanne Yau – polyamory content creator, certified sex and relationships educator, and psychosexual therapist in training – answer your burning questions on navigating all things non-monogamy. I’ve been in various forms of open relationships since 2016, and have been sharing tips, personal stories, and resources on how to practice healthy, sustainable polyamory at @polyphiliablog.
Dear Leanne,
I've been wanting to try out polyamory for a while but, ultimately, I worry that I'm not good looking enough / don't have the sexual charisma to attract multiple sexual partners.
I love the idea of being able to forge multiple deep romantic connections and of course I would like to have more sex but I'm quite insecure about how I look and not only does that make me worry about not being attractive enough to successfully be poly, it also makes me worry that I might seem ridiculous if I try to 'put myself out there' and start even just labelling myself as poly.
Regards,
The frog that wants to be kissed
My dear frog, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been experiencing some body insecurities and confidence issues, and that they are affecting your goal to actualise a polyamorous life. That sounds really difficult, especially because dating and putting yourself out there is a vulnerable thing to do, especially when you want to do it with more than one person. But, please know that just like there are plenty of monogamous people of all shapes and sizes who find love, the same applies to polyamorous people. Hopefully by the end of this article, I can help you get a little closer to finding the courage to make your desires a reality.
A big part of embracing polyamory is believing that you are deserving of love in abundance – no matter what you look like, no matter what your situation is, and no matter what your current relationship status is. And to get there, this requires a lot of personal work and introspection around not only what your personal values and perspectives on love and relationships are, but also why they exist. Therefore, I would like to challenge your thinking when you say that you don’t feel “attractive enough” to be polyamorous. What do you mean when you say “attractive”? Attractive to whom? Why does it matter that you are attractive? Is there perhaps a subconscious belief you have that ugly people don’t deserve love, or that only attractive people can and should find it? Do you believe that your looks are what define you, or what make you valuable as a person and as a partner?
You may find it ironic to know that I get called ugly on a near-daily basis just for existing online as a polyamorous person.
I ask all this, because you may find it ironic to know that I get called ugly on a near-daily basis just for existing online as a polyamorous person. You could argue that polyamorous people must be more attractive if they’re able to find and keep multiple partners, but my comments section says the opposite – I get told things like “dating two 5s doesn’t make you a 10” and “with that face, of course no one wants monogamy with you”. As an autistic, polyamorous, bisexual femme of colour who isn’t fat but also isn’t model-thin, I will never be seen as conventionally attractive by mainstream (western) standards. That doesn’t mean I don’t think I’m beautiful, or that my partners don’t think I’m beautiful, but it does make me aware of the fact that regardless of one’s actual perceived level of attractiveness, people love calling marginalised people, including polyamorous people, unattractive – often not because they actually are, but because they are politically undesirable.
So, instead of worrying about whether or not you’re too ugly for polyamory, or even relationships in general, I encourage you to divest from the need for physical attractiveness to be considered worthy of a relationship, to think about all the other traits you possess that make you a great partner, and to find people who are able to see that in you. Personally, someone could be the hottest person I’ve ever seen, and I still wouldn’t date them if they were unkind to others, irresponsible with their commitments, and disorganised with their time, because their personality traits would make them highly incompatible for the polyamorous life I wish to live. You do not need to prove your attractiveness to anyone, and those who value you will see you beyond your body and for your whole self, which is more than enough. If someone loves you for who you are and as a whole person, is that not worth more than being loved for being considered beautiful by some arbitrary societal standard?
I encourage you to divest from the need for physical attractiveness to be considered worthy of a relationship.
Also, it’s worth noting that attractiveness is not only temporary, but incredibly subjective. Looks fade, bodies change, and we get older and therefore less conventionally attractive over time. In addition to this, beauty standards are changing constantly, and differ across the world – so who knows, you could be viewed as the hottest person in the world depending on what’s trending or where you are! At the end of the day, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as the saying goes. So, it is not only important to accept that change is part of life and relationships, but also to see beauty in each other in deeper ways.
Believe me, frog: you are just as capable of seeking genuine connection with more than one person as anyone else, as long as you approach people with kindness and confidence. You don’t need to be considered attractive by society to be loved by many, and to be worthy and deserving of that love. I wish you the best of luck.
Want Leanne to answer your non-monogamy and relationship questions? Email megan.wallace@gaytimes.co.uk with “A Polyamorous Perspective – Question” in the subject line.